Ashton's transfer to Spurs held up by West Ham's demands

England star and injury magnet, 'Destructible' Dean Ashton's proposed transfer across London from West Ham to Tottenham Hotspurs, has stalled after the East End chancers demanded a Premier League record fee of "all the tea in China or the equivalent cash value (£150 million)" for the breakable hitman.

West Ham's Icelandic owner, Magnus Magnusson, has said that it was well known amongst footballing circles that Spurs were prepared to spunk stupid money on English players, especially strikers, citing last years £17 million transfer of Darren Bent. However Spurs supremo, Daniel Levy countered that "at least Bent had scored lots of goals for Charlton and didn't appear to have legs made of balsa wood" but did admit that with the imminent loss of Dracula lookalike, Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester United, the acquisition of a top striker, even one that is unlikely to start more than one game in five, is their top priority.

When questioned about Ashton's appalling injury record, Magnus responded "Well stupidly rich people pay lots of money for fragile items all the time, only last week a Ming vase was auctioned at Sotherby's for £28 million and even Dean Ashton is more robust than a delicate piece of chinaware".

Ashton, who has managed the princely sum of 15 appearances for the Hammers since his transfer from Norwich City, and is currently recovering from his latest injury, a repetitive strain wrist injury allegedly picked up from playing "Pro Evolution 2008" too much, has said that he is keen on a move to White Hart Lane as the North London club was recommended to him by previous Spurs favourite malingerer, Darren Anderton, as having the best treatment room facilities in the Premier League.

If Spurs fail to land Ashton it is believed that Juande Ramos could make an audacious bid for Samuel L.Jackson's character from the film "Unbreakable".